His Colorful Girl
by Artika
Summary: Thought I would try writing from Severus' POV. I have another chapter if it's liked. Lily's feelings are laid bare for Severus and he must react. Severus/Lily, Snape/Evans. AU Rated for potential second chapter or just paranoia.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own any of this. I make nothing, but I feel better having written it.

A/N: Yes, I totally mess with the time line, but I needed to get this out...it was stuck in my head.

When I realized I was reading the same paragraph on hinkypunks for the third time, I abandoned the book and focused on the cause of my distraction.

She was absorbed in her text, so her eyes were moving quickly along the page. Her brow would crease when she was thinking, but those eyes never stopped moving. Sometimes, she bit her lip. That's when she was re-reading something. If she were reading a letter or something personal, her fingers would be playing with her hair right by her left ear by now. The sum total of her rapt attention in the book was incredibly attractive.

I know I should have looked away. She hadn't noticed yet though and as often as I looked at her, I wasn't usually able to enjoy it so. Lily was so colorful. Copper hair, white skin, bright green eyes, soft pink lips, long black lashes. Oh Merlin. I pushed the physical admiration deeper down and looking at her, I thought of the tiny girl I first saw in the park years ago. With a slight snort, I realized I had always looked at her like this...like she was special. She was, undoubtedly, but how did others see Lily?

I tried to see her as others might. A redhead with green eyes. Pale. Smart. Funny. Brave. Beautiful. Kind. Sweet. Generous. I resigned myself to my fate easily, as there was never any other choice. She was everything I wanted. Closer than any other person in the entire world and yet, forever out of reach. The pain never lessened, but my happiness eclipsed it whenever she was close by.

There in that awkwardly perfect moment, I felt genuinely happy. Naturally, it did not last.

"Quit staring at my girlfriend, Snivellus!" I was on my feet instantly, regretting letting my control wane to admire my friend. This wasn't going to be pleasant. Why was Potter in their park? Panic washed over me. This wasn't right.

"You and I both know she is not your girlfriend, Potter. Go away. You're not wanted here." My shoulders went back a little further when my voice stayed steady and calm, a bit of confidence regained.

"Really? So what about last night?" Potter's posture screamed of arrogance and he was smirking widely.

My eyes slid to slits and I stiffened. Inside, I was screaming. No, no, no. What could that git mean? Please, please not what I'm thinking.

"Sev...I was going to tell you, I swear." Lily had her hand on my arm. She had that "sorry" look in her eyes. Great. I felt my heart break again and I quietly noted I was far more upset than angry. Interesting.

I didn't speak. I assumed, correctly, that one of them would fill the silence.

"Sev, we went to dinner last night." I didn't look at her. I couldn't. "Can we discuss this? Alone?" Her tone became menacing. It was luckily not directed at me.

"Aw, come on, Evans," Potter said, his eyes widening, pleading with her. He attempted to reach for her, but she smacked his hand and his expression darkened. "Fine." He narrowed his eyes and turned to me. "If you hurt her..." and began to walk away.

"For the last time, go away, Potter!" she yelled, her face getting pinker by the second. She grabbed my hand and pulled me, stunned into complicit silence, towards her house. When we got to her backyard, she stopped suddenly. I barely avoided walking into her.

"I am sorry," she said, her voice soft. She was so close to me, I wanted desperately to reach out for her, but could not let that happen. She was looking at my shoes and without thinking, my hands curled into fists. Her remorse made me think the worst.

"Why?" It was the only thing I could think to say. The pain in my chest was growing exponentially as the silence stretched between us. She looked up at me, big wet tears glistening in her bright green eyes. She blinked and they fell down her face, her lips slightly parted. She looked so beautiful there, in this final moment of our friendship, of what could have been.

She blinked slowly, her hands grabbing my forearms. "If you promise to listen to me, I will tell you the truth. I want you to understand so badly, Sev. You have no idea." She looked a little desperate. I took a deep breath and nodded curtly.

She settled beside me on the stoop of her back porch. I continued the deep breathing, hoping to ensure my anger did not grow beyond my control. It was near impossible not to comfort her. She was slouched against me, her hair hanging in her face slightly. Tears were still falling slowly down her lightly freckled face.

"As long as I have known you, we have been close. I think nothing of hugging you and touching you and sleeping beside you -- things I wouldn't do with any other friend of mine. And at some point, all those...completely natural affectionate...uh, gestures turned into something I don't quite understand. I had such a big crush on you off and on throughout school. And you didn't do anything. I don't know if I was too...subtle, too shy, but I figured you weren't interested, at least," she took a deep breath and continued, "not interested enough to risk our friendship. So when James offered to take me to supper, I figured...he deserved a shot."

I was stunned, but tried to appear unaffected. Neither of us moved, but when I heard her sob, I gave in to my instincts. My arms went around her and she folded to me easily, our embrace intimate...chests and cheeks pressed together, arms tight around each other. It felt so natural. Just like every other time, I could not help but think of kissing her.

"It's like you're a tease, Sev. Seriously," she said, pulling back from me, "what is wrong with me?"

Despite my quickly slipping control, I laughed. It sounded too loud here with her so close. My eyes shut for a moment and when they opened again, she was grinning mischieviously. Her eyes sparkled. "You are so cute when you laugh."

I know I blushed. I could feel the heat rising in my face. I couldn't help but feel hopeful, however. "There is nothing wrong with you." My arms felt weak. I felt like I had already said too much, I was too exposed. She was dating someone else. Not just anyone else...Potter. The one person I thought we agreed on. She was cavorting with the enemy.

Her voice cut through my internal monologue. "So? That's it, you give up? No answer? Please...tell me. Did I do something wrong? I mean, what do I have to do?"

She looked so beautifully defiant, her hands on her hips, lips pursed with anger and fire in her bright eyes. This was the Lily I loved. I put my arms around her and pulled her face to mine, her eyes falling to small slits. Little bursts of hot breath were coming from her, warming my nose and lips. "Lily..." I whispered, hoping she would understand what I was trying to get across to her without actually saying it. She smelled delicious, like cinnamon buns and clean water from a spring.

Her eyes slid shut and her chin turned up to me. Bullocks. It was now or never.


	2. More Pain

My fear was over-powered by my desire in an instant. I thought fleetingly, please let her be kind. My first time is bound to be awful.

I pressed my lips to hers and closed my eyes. I could have stayed there in that position forever, the warm sensation of her soft lips on mine electrifying, but she was suddenly a flurry of movement, her tongue in my mouth even before I was aware her mouth had opened. There was no words for the feeling of her slick, warm tongue on mine. The stirring in my groin was becoming painful and when she nestled onto my lap, I was acutely aware of her bottom against it. If she noticed, she did not mention it.

My eyes closed and silently I thanked her, putting more into the kissing, now that I had an idea of what was involved. I figured I would be a fast learner. I put my hands on her softly flushed face and she sighed around my lips. With the kiss broken, she looked at me, her face open and waiting.

"What were you so scared of, Sev?" she whispered, obviously highly amused. Her lips were dark and puffy. I did that, wow.

I kissed her lips chastely, unable to help myself, and replied, "Exactly this. Now I never want to let you go."

A cloud passed over her face. Her brows furrowed, lips pursed, my hands fell from her face to her wrists. She would not get away easily. "It's too late. You know that."

It was like a slap in the face. My eyes watered and my face was suddenly very hot. My grip tightened on her involuntarily. She gasped.

"Lil..." I whispered, my eyes begging hers. For what, I wasn't sure, but I was not ready to let her go yet.

She embraced me and whispered in my ear, "There's always the future, Sev. We are young still and I have a feeling a time will come for us."

I fought the urge to laugh, as I knew it would become a scream and that would only frighten her. Instead, I held her there, eyes closed, inhaling the scent of her, wishing everything was different. How many moments of my life would be wasted wondering "what if?" Yet, I knew I would never give it up, never actually stop. Those moments when I wonder: what if she were mine? There was no better thought. Bitterly, I realized I would undoubtedly replay this afternoon in my mind over and over.

When she broke from my grasp, I made no move to stop her. I could not. There was no strength left in me. Everything happy, bright and good was leaving my life. I had nothing left.

My eyes flew open in shock when her lips pressed to mine and she held to me like I was being pulled from her by something strong and slippery. She kissed me like she might never see me again and it was possibly the truth. She was awful with divination. Her "feelings" meant nothing.

I tasted the salty tears on her lips, but nothing would deter me from kissing her and knowing what every inch of her soft, sweet mouth tasted like. I had no real idea what kissing was supposed to be, besides lips pressed, tongues touching, but I knew I needed to feel everything she had before she took it all away.

It was over too soon. Walking away, I could not help resign myself almost immediately to a lifetime of unrequited love. It wasn't so hard, after all. I just had to stop fighting myself.

There was no solution to the puzzle. The pieces would never fit to reveal a whole. As much as I cared for her, I could not help but be angry with her. The time we spent together had only given me a glimpse of the whole and my heart could not release it. My mind knew. It understood. It accepted. The fight inside me never ended. My heart would not believe my mind.

Over and over, I would begin a letter to her and usually chicken out before even finishing. Now, in my hands, I held the finished letter, but I had lost my nerve to actually call the owl to take it to her. After all, her feelings were clear. It may also seem odd for me to write to her after a year. She might not even read it. She might refuse it.

The idea forced my eyes closed and my lips tightened to a thin line. What was I thinking?

Lily,

No doubt you have forgotten me and what we were. Please do not get upset. I wholeheartedly agree with your decision. Every day, I miss you and each night, I dream of you. I dream of sitting by the lake at school, or the river at home, just you and me, talking like we used to. It's all gone, I know. I cannot expect you to understand what I have gone through in my lifetime, or to care. I can only hope you will understand why I send this.

I did not know what it was to be alive til I met you. For that, I thank you. You owe me nothing. I owe you everything.

Anything,

SS

Alone in my home, I let the tear fall. Only one.

"Incendio," I whispered.

4444444444444444

I received the letter two days before she married Potter. It was short, sweet and cruel.

_I must see you. I will apparate into your home at Spinner's End tonight at nine. Be there._

_LE_


	3. An Ending

I made no extra preparations for her arrival, trying to tell myself I didn't care if she showed or not. I couldn't help worry, however. Part of me was dying, almost literally, to see her. The other part was angry and bitter, unable to see anything but disappointment in her potential visit. I was halfway through my first glass of bourbon when she appeared. She was dressed so casually, I almost sneered. I guess I wasn't worth a nice dress.

I gazed at her with what I hoped was apathy and raised my glass to her. "Congratulations."

To my delight, she looked ashamed, her eyes averted from mine and hands wringing nervously. "Thanks," she mumbled.

I finished my drink and took her presence in. Maybe, I reasoned inanely, I could better control myself if I did not try to ignore her completely. She was as I remembered, but also softer somehow. Her face seemed fuller than the last time. I could not help but ogle her. It had been too long.

Her eyes met mine defiantly and my heart warmed to her immediately. Damn.

"So, I bet you're wondering why I'm here." Her pursed lips and slightly furrowed brow meant to be intimidating, instead causing a smirk to break across my lips involuntarily. In that second, she looked so familiar.

I stood carefully, taking my glass to the sink. Standing before her, she had to tilt her head up to meet my eyes, but she did not look away. I realized I must have gotten taller. Keeping my voice even and smooth, I said, "I know you will tell me."

She smiled and though her eyes did not soften completely, her posture and jaw relaxed. It was beautiful. "Sev, I...I wanted to apologize."

I couldn't help but roll my eyes. "Please. Don't."

She shook her head. "I am sorry though. I know everything has changed and that we can never be the same, but I just had to see you one last time. Before..."

Her eyes did not leave mine. I shook my head. "I know, Lily...I know..." Our lips met and the sparks flew without hesitation. The warmth in my chest spread so quickly through my body, I wondered how I ever lived without it.

"Please, Severus, please..." she whispered against my neck, kissing a trail slowly between words. I groaned, but knew I was no match for her. I was putty in her hands and it would be up to her what was left of me after this was over.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

The morning came too soon. The bright sun filtered through the old, dusty curtains covering the small, grimy windows, sending shafts of sunlight over the carpet. I was too afraid to move and wake her to close the curtains further. She was curled on her side, her hands on my chest, heavy with unconsciousness. Her face was peaceful and slightly rosy, no doubt from the vigorous activity of the previous night.

The pain began when I realized she was leaving no matter what I did or said. I kissed her softly, hoping she would remain asleep, and she did, all though I think she kissed me back in her sleep. I acknowledged the pain and walked away from her.

If I left her there, she could leave before I returned, I thought to myself. It was easy enough to dress and walk to the door. Opening it took several moments, but once I was through the door, I did not look back.

I returned to my home late that day. I stood outside for twenty minutes, just watching. It did not appear anyone was in the house, but I had to be sure. A part of me wanted her to be there. To have stayed. I felt so foolish.

I felt even worse after I had entered the kitchen. She had left a note.

Sev,

I waited hours for you to return. I can't believe it took me so long to realize you wouldn't be coming back. Thank you for being you and for everything about me that is you. I wish you a happy life. I want you to get everything you want, Sev. What I wanted to tell you is that my choice was made long ago.

I am living someone else's dream. Always have. You may never believe me, but he needs me more than you do. That is why I am marrying him and not you. James would die without me. You will not.

Love, love, love,

Lily

My mind was blank and the rage I felt was pulsing through me, my fists clenching. Suddenly, I saw her face behind my eyes. The rage dissolved into sadness. The tears came and I let them fall.

--

Nothing is more painful than the knowledge of living without her. It is, however, reassuring. The sun sets in the west, the sky is blue and I will love her without reason for the rest of my life.


End file.
